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99 days is offered as an adequate period of time to reflect on a very important question: What is God’s will for my life? For many young people, the dating cycle starts early. You’re either wanting a relationship, in a relationship or breaking up from a relationship. Most who approach discernment will need space from all that. Of course there are some seekers who have never really dated. If that’s you, don’t feel slighted. You are not alone. 99 days creates space for you too, and as you’re probably aware, a dating history can be as much of a liability to discernment as a benefit. Either way, 99 days is enough time to distance you from all emotional ties and romantic hopes. 99 days keeps any future prospects in the distant future. In that sense it provides the relational space necessary to pursue God exclusively for a significant time. Think of it as dating God.

99 days is roughly the equivalent of Lent and Easter combined. It’s also the better part of a semester of college – sort of a tithe on your prime dating years.

Finally, 99 days helps two kinds of people. There are those who “speed-discern” and accept as “God’s will” whatever pops into their minds after only a short period. For example, one young man took a whole weekend to resolve all questions regarding his future vocation. Impressive. He discerned his life-state in less time than it takes someone to decide what their first car will be.

The second kind of person is the “never-ending discerner.” A person like this will go on for years without making a commitment to anything. It’s as if the fear of making the wrong move freezes them into a discernment limbo. It is our hope that having a clear beginning and end to this process will help those who are stuck in a chronic discernment cycle.

Some discerners will come to the end of this Novena with a definitive answer, but not all. Most will know which direction out of several would be best to explore in greater depth. For the pilgrim on this discernment journey there are regular reminders that this is not about a program or a formula. Discernment is about a relationship: your relationship with Jesus Christ. Any life-state vocation in the Church is a conscious, informed, adult decision – characterized by public, recognized promises or vows – to entrust one’s heart – really one’s self – to another person for the rest of one’s life. The person in question may be human (marriage) or divine (Jesus through priestly promises or consecrated vows), but in either case, it is a leap of faith. So relationship with the Lord is the key element. All vocations, including marriage, should lead us to communion with him.

“Lord, lead me. I trust you. You have my best interests at heart. You know me better than I know myself. Take me by the hand. Show me your plan for my life.”

Our prayer is that God will use this Novena – and the time it makes available in your life – as a privileged season of intimacy and insight. We pray that the Holy Spirit will inspire in your heart a deep gratitude that moves you to respond generously to whatever invitation he may set before you. Mostly, we pray for clarity. We ask that God will make your way clear and remove all obstacles so that you can fulfill your unique and irreplaceable role in the body of Christ.

Being in the image of God the human individual possesses the dignity of a person… capable of self-knowledge, of self-possession and of freely giving himself and entering into communion with other persons. (Catechism of the Catholic Church #357)

This Novena is much more than a devotional practice. The daily meditations accompanied by workbook exercises move from self-knowledge to relationships and finally to self-gift. Here’s a brief explanation of each part.

Part 1. Preliminary Novena: The discernment Novena begins with a 9-day Pre-Novena: a discernment for your discernment. It raises important considerations and tests your basic willingness and openness to the plan of God.

Following this, the remaining ninety days are divided up into parts 2, 3 and 4, each thirty days long. These are the Table, the Temple and the Treasure. There’s a different flavor to these stages, so it helps to be flexible. The Table is an allegory, the Temple is an analogy and the Treasure is more of a practical ‘how to.’ Each part focuses on a particular aspect of spirituality and vocation. The first two use images to help the discerner reflect on important issues. The third, as well as the final Decision Retreat, equip the discerner to choose “the next good step.”

Part 2. The Table. This stage explores self-knowledge. It uses the allegory of a three-legged table to examine the foundations you choose for your life. Identity, personal security, and dreams – as well as habits of sin and hurts in need of healing will be prayerfully considered during these thirty days.

Part 3. The Temple. The next stage considers relationships. It applies the layout of the tabernacle and of the Jerusalem temple as a blueprint for good order in our relationships. The writings of St. John Paul II will be prominent. Worship, intimacy, and the place for an exclusive love are the issues we’ll examine here.

Part 4. The Treasure. The last stage focuses on self-gift. We will examine the “why’s” behind celibacy and become familiar with time-tested practices for opening our hearts to the will of God. St. Ignatius of Loyola, the Church’s foremost expert on matters of discernment, will be our guide. Applying his wisdom, we’ll consider the Call, the Cost, the Road, and the Reward of a celibate vocation.

Part 5. Decision Retreat. The Novena ends with a personal retreat that you, the discerner, will arrange with the help of your Discernment Advisor (more on this below). We recommend eight days, though four may be sufficient. This should coincide with the conclusion of the Novena. Materials are provided for an Ignatian-style discernment retreat with daily outlines and commentary.

These are the 9 commitments you make for the duration of the Novena. Please prayerfully reflect on each of them. They are required for the full 99 Days.

1. No Dating. I commit myself not to date and to suspend for now any relationships with the opposite sex (close friends, etc.) that may be a distraction during the Novena. For more on this, see below under the heading “Just Friends.”

2. Daily Prayer. I commit myself to make the Novena readings and my own personal reflection part of a half hour of private time and prayer each day. I will therefore adjust or suspend any other practices of prayer to which I am accustomed for the duration of the Novena.

Note: No doubt you’ll miss days in the Novena along the way. This doesn’t break some imaginary “power of the Novena.” Just continue where you left off on the next day. If there is an interruption of more than three days, please discuss it with your discernment advisor (explained in the next step). There’s no hurry in completing the Novena, and no magic in the number 99. So please don’t feel the need to cram two days into one.

3. Daily Mass. I commit myself to attend daily Mass and receive Eucharist as often as possible. At least two times weekly (not including my Sunday obligation).

4. Weekly Rosary. I commit to pray a minimum of one rosary a week (one set of mysteries – joyful, illuminative, sorrowful or glorious). A daily rosary is highly encouraged.

5. Fast from Possessions. I commit myself to refrain from buying anything that I don’t really need during this discernment period, in order to practice self-denial in the area of materialism and consumerism.

6. Fast from Media. I commit myself to limit my media consumption – the amount of music, movies and TV I am exposed to on a daily basis. Some suggestions arise on Day 2 of the first semester. Obviously, exceptions are made for needs related to school or work (e.g., If you’re a film major and have to watch movies for class). Also, special events may permit exceptions, but keep them to a minimum (Superbowl? Yes. March Madness, No. The Final Four? Okay).

7. Fast from Food. I commit myself to fast once a week. Refraining from solid food for the whole day – from rising to going to bed – is recommended. If there are health issues that may limit my fasting, I will work these out with my advisor. I will not fast if I have any history of an eating disorder.

8. Monthly confession. I go to confession once prior to beginning the first thirty day stage and then at the conclusion of each subsequent stage. If my discernment advisor is a priest, I am not obligated to go to him for confession (see below).

9. Regular meetings with a Discernment Advisor. I commit myself to finding a discernment advisor. (see below: “Choosing a Discernment Advisor”). I will meet with this advisor once before the discernment Novena begins, once at the conclusion of the Pre-Novena (to decide if I’m ready to proceed), at least once during each stage (usually midway), once at each transition point, and once at the conclusion. That should work out to eight meetings over the course of roughly three and a half months.

“Keep it secret. Keep it safe!”

No one besides your Discernment Advisor needs to know you’re discerning. Why? For some, it’s a protection from pride - the temptation to claim a special status as “the girl who’s going to be a sister” or “the guy who’s thinking about the priesthood.” The opposite might also be true. It may be a real stigma if your friends find out you’re getting serious about following Jesus in a radical way. They might give you unneeded and unwelcome pressure. Either way, tell as few as possible. Many people think that discernment is the same as a vocation. While you’re only thinking about it as a “maybe,” they start talking as if you’re already on your way to the convent, monastery or seminary. So in the early going, the quieter the better. As the Novena progresses, you can be more open about it. Fly under the radar until the end of Part 3, the Temple of Relationships. Then discuss with your Advisor how to let people know what you’re considering.

Don’t Go Alone

“Seek advice from a wise man of good conscience and be instructed by him rather than follow your own way.”

Thomas a’ Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

Have you ever had some part of your body pierced? How about a tattoo? Maybe one of your friends had it done. Either way, do you notice that when somebody gets a tattoo or a piercing they usually don’t go it alone? They always bring a friend along. It’s not hard to figure out why. Piercing is going to hurt. So is a tattoo. And it’s going to be permanent; an irremovable mark. If you’re in there alone, it’s easy to talk yourself out of it. Nobody will be the wiser. But if you bring friends, witnesses really, it’s much harder to avoid going through with it.

Why are young people, especially college age people, so fascinated with making marks on their bodies that are both painful and permanent? Is it an act of defiance against the expectations of an adult world that is fast closing in on them? Is it a sign of an emerging sense of self? A rite of passage? Many youth, it seems, need a sign, an irremovable mark. Maybe it’s a way of saying to the world (and to the person who receives it), “I’m not the same as I used to be. Something inside has changed forever.”

Many are the distressed parents who see these marks and groan. (Good rule of thumb, by the way: never pierce anything you can’t cover up on a job interview.) Yet every year, many young people get these marks in defiance of parental disapproval, and despite future risk of embarrassment.

Even if the practice raises objections, the process of getting a tattoo or a body piercing is very sensible. The “how” makes sense, apart from the “why.” Bringing your friends along for support and as witnesses is smart. When you’re facing something painful and permanent, you want to make sure you don’t chicken out.

This Novena is not about tattoos or body piercing though. It’s about discernment. It’s about discovering God’s will for your life and pursuing a vocation. But discernment and tattoos have this in common: both can be painful – at least at the beginning. Both will be permanent. Both frighten us and tempt us to back out and run away. That’s why we invite friends to come along. They’re a support to us. And they make us more accountable for our decisions.

Why then, do so many people try the do-it-yourself approach to discernment – with no witnesses; no one to hold them accountable? Maybe they don’t want anybody to know when they bail out. It’s a shame. People who pierce themselves are more sensible than people who discern a vocation.

Finding your vocation is the process of finding that utterly unique way you will reflect the face of Christ for the world to see. That may come as a surprise. We tend to think of a vocation in terms of “what’s going to make me happy?” or “how will I make a name for myself in the world? How will I make a difference?” Good questions. Certainly our vocation has a lot to do with answering them, but the struggle to discover God’s will for our lives has far greater implications.

Scripture speaks of Jesus as the “image”; the icon of God. “He is the image of the invisible God, the first-born of all creation” (Col. 1:15). He came to show God the Father to the world – not the physical features of God, but the nature, the character of God. Much of what will be said in the following pages is a reflection on the ways that we must also reveal the Father by being marked with the image of the Son.

In other words, vocation is about receiving a permanent mark – yes, and in some ways a painful mark – on your soul. This mark is the very image of Christ. While we could debate whether a tattoo is a thing of beauty, the image of Christ on your soul – in a vocation uniquely suited to your personality and character – will certainly be something very beautiful.

Vocation is also a piercing. Not of the body but of the heart. We speak of God’s word when we speak of a calling. And God’s word cuts us to the core of our being, “Indeed the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart” (Heb 4:12). Does this make you uncomfortable? Nervous? Then please don’t go through it alone.

Who will go with you?

Whom do you want to bring along with you? The role we’re looking to fill here is a person to serve as your Discernment Advisor. It should be someone whose opinion you trust. That person going to the tattoo parlor or body piercing place brings along a close friend – someone who knows them and can give them good advice about which image looks best. Which picture or piercing suits him or her? It’s the same in discernment. You’ll need a dependable friend who can give you good advice. Choose wisely, therefore: choose the Church.

You may be surprised at this recommendation. Asking a representative of the Church for help in discernment is usually the last thing a young person would think of doing. It’s all about trust. “Can I trust you to have my best interests as your priority?” asks the young person. That’s a valid question. Those who represent the Church in vocations offices are not always “disinterested” when offering guidance in discernment. “Disinterested” doesn’t mean the advisor is uncaring. It means unbiased, open to God’s guidance and without a preconceived agenda.

Now, no one can completely hide a love for her or his own calling and it is natural to want to share that with others. So a priest or a religious who assists you in discernment will most likely lean towards his or her own vocation. This natural tendency is not the concern. The concern is recruiting - when someone pushes a particular vocational path. There’s no place for recruiting in discernment. Recruiting is done primarily for the good of the recruiter and for the good of the recruiter’s organization. Discernment is a co-seeking of God’s will for the glory of God and for the good of the one whose life and vocation are being discerned. That’s you.

Characteristics for a Discernment Advisor

Despite the dangers, still we say: Don’t go it alone. Choose wisely. Choose the Church. But even within the Church you’ll find that there are all sorts of approaches. It’s hard to know whom to choose. Should you pick a liberal advisor? Conservative? Traditional? Progressive? If you’re unfamiliar with the in’s and out’s of Catholic teaching, it can be fairly difficult to sort out all the players.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: look first for someone whose love for the Church is visible. You will find that there are those who are trying to “save” (i.e. fix) the Church and there are others who are letting the Church save them. Choose from the latter group. Liberal or conservative, if they speak as if they have the answers to the Church’s problems, you can afford to be skeptical. And if they speak of Catholic tradition as if it is primarily a human creation without reference to the divine Carpenter who built this house over the past 2000 years, you can pass them by.

Find someone who prays daily. Someone who combines a deep faith and dedication to prayer with experience and patience and common sense. Ask them about their own approach to daily prayer. Ask them how they discovered their vocation. Ask them how they go about listening to the voice of the Lord for their own life. Ask them to help you explore all celibate vocations.

You’ll need to supply them with a link to the Advisor's page so they can make an informed, prayerful decision. If they say 'yes' and submit their registration, we'll send them everything they need.

Q: Should I choose someone my own age? While a person your age will give you good advice about a tattoo, you should look to someone significantly older and more experienced in the spiritual life to help you discern. Also, you’ll want to avoid someone of the opposite sex who is single and close enough to you in age that you might develop an attraction to him or her.

Q. Should I choose a single or married person? The answer is: “Yes, possibly.” But if so, you’ll want to find a single or married person who has significant understanding of all possible vocations and with considerable experience in guiding souls in spiritual growth.

Still there are many reasons to favor the choice of a priest, a sister or a brother over a single or married person. Most obviously, as celibates themselves they speak from greater experience in this regard, and are able to reflect on their own faith journey in a way that will be instructive.

There is also a more fundamental reason not to select a married person. It has to do with our own natural biases that we bring to the discernment process. While we say that we are open to all vocations, we have to admit from the start that almost everyone experiences a call to marriage. Or at least they think it’s a call. Most people have a natural desire for the love and affection of another human being. Most people would love to see their own children and grandchildren. These very good and natural desires are strongly rooted in us, and we can easily mistake them for God’s call to marriage. But a strong desire for a particular vocation is not necessarily a sign that God is calling you to that vocation. Nor, in the case of the married state, is a love for children or a strong attraction to the opposite sex. These don’t indicate a call to marriage. These simply indicate a healthy sexuality.

So as we look for a good Discernment Advisor we have to face up to our own “marriage-bias,” and choosing a married person to help us discern is not likely to challenge us to do this.

Getting Directions

“That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel!”

- Yzma, The Emperor’s New Groove, Walt Disney Pictures, 2000

No matter how good your GPS may be, you won’t get where you’re going if your phone can’t find where you’re at. Devices being so efficient these days it’s easy to forget that good directions depend on these two pieces of information: a starting point and a destination. The same is true in the spiritual life. Two reference points are required for direction: where you’re at and where you’d like to be. Think of them as ‘real answers’ and ‘right answers.’

As you prepare to meet with your Discernment Advisor, maybe you’re a little anxious. Maybe you know your Advisor pretty well, but chances are you don’t. You want to make a good impression. If you’ve been around spiritual people enough, then you know, more or less, what’s expected. You’ve got enough understanding of your faith and probably enough experience living as a Christian that you have a good idea (or can guess) about the right answers to whatever questions may arise in the course of your meeting.

That’s why we offer this advice: avoid right answers.

In working with a spiritual guide, giving the right answer is not as important as giving the real answer. The right answer is the one you assume to be correct. It’s the one you think will go over best – will cause the least concern for your Advisor and will reassure her/him that you’re on the right track. The real answer, however, can be alarming or seem silly or make you feel embarrassed. Maybe you’ll start crying or rambling. The fear of seeming unstable, of sparking a “what will she/he think of me?” flood of thoughts, is so great that you’ll be tempted to filter your answers. Please don’t.

Being real means risk. If you’re afraid, beg the Holy Spirit for the grace of transparency. That’s the courage to share not only the right answer, but more importantly, what you really think; where you’re really at. We’re not suggesting that you bare your soul in your first meeting. Naturally you’ll want to figure out if your Advisor can take you in all your wonderful, messy you-ness. But at some point you’ll need to open up. If instead you decide inwardly that it’s best to only say what’s expected, please be forewarned that you won’t benefit much from your meetings.

Right answers are not bad. They’re just premature, for the most part. For example, if you’ve been badly hurt by someone, you may hold bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart. Since we pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” you know the right answer is that you forgive the person. But what if you still have bitterness? What if you can’t let it go? Isn’t it better to admit honestly that you’re not yet able to forgive? At least this opens the way towards the right answer; towards a time in the future when, by God’s help, you’ll be ready and willing to forgive. But if you tell yourself and your advisor, “It doesn’t bother me anymore,” when truthfully it still does, you’ll be stuck in an illusion. Good spiritual advisors will challenge you to admit where you’re at so you can get where you want to be.

By encouraging real answers, we’re not making it a virtue to be in the wrong place, spiritually speaking. Don’t stay in a state that’s less than ideal for the sake of “honesty.” That’s why the idea of getting directions is so helpful. It’s understood when we look for directions that we want to move from where we’re at to where we need to be. We need to get from our real answers to what are truly the right answers. This takes patience and time.

Sometimes the real answer IS the right answer. Sometimes you really do believe and live what you know your faith requires of you. That’s good. Thank God for the grace he has given you to have reached such a desirable point. As much as we may experience embarrassment about being in the wrong place, some people are embarrassed about being in the right place. Maybe you feel uncomfortable being “too” good, so you exaggerate your issues where no issues really exist. Being real cuts both ways. We need to admit where we’re right as well as where we still need to grow. And there can be a temptation to be alarming merely for shock-value. We should avoid the impulse to alarm as well as to appease our spiritual advisor.

The goal is honesty. If we place ourselves in the loving presence of God, who already knows us through-and-through, then we realize that no secrets are hidden from him. If he can see our secrets, trusted guides and close friends can see them too. There is no way to describe the joy of coming clean in spiritual advising. If you’ve had a powerful experience of confession – getting a tough sin off your chest – you know what we’re talking about.

There’s another reason real is better than right, as you speak with your Advisor. This Novena is intended to guide you towards your life-state vocation. Along the way, you may fall into the assumption that the right answer is religious life or the priesthood. It isn’t. The right answer is to follow God’s call whether it be marriage or celibacy or remaining single for some time or purpose. Please remind yourself of this however you can. If you fear disappointing your Advisor by failing to come out of this Novena with the “right” vocation, you’d probably do best to admit this to her/him as soon as possible and be reassured that you are free to consider a vocation without any undue pressure or expectation about what you will choose.

So keep this in mind as you review your notes from your journal, as you prepare for your meeting and as you struggle through the anxiety of wondering what to say (doesn’t your mind always seem to go blank?). Remember to be real. The rest will follow.

How To Prepare for My Meeting

1. Find a quiet place and allow at least 20 minutes for preparation.

2. Pray for the Holy Spirit to guide and enlighten you.

3. Go back over your journal and Novena workbook entries since the last meeting and circle or highlight significant insights or things you feel the Holy Spirit leading you to share with your advisor.

4. Reflect on these insights: is there anything further you can draw from what you noted in your journal? Write these thoughts down.

5. Review the 9 Novena commitments. Rate your fidelity to each on a scale from 1 (very good) to 5 (very poor).

6. Pray for God to bless the meeting and to speak through your advisor, but also confirm his words in your own heart.

7. End with a Hail Mary.

After the Meeting

1. Take a few minutes to note anything in your journal you feel was significant in your meeting and discussion.

2. Make a brief thanksgiving to God for his love and guidance.

We don’t discern at a distance. Around the mid-point of the Novena, Day 54, you’ll start visiting religious communities, seminaries and other places where ordained and/or consecrated people live their lives. You’ll need to make at least five visits representing different vocational options. Usually this involves praying with the community and/or sharing a meal and meeting with at least one person to ask about their particular way of life.

Start looking around for vocation retreats and make inquiries about visiting religious houses, depending on what your advisor recommends. There will be guidelines provided at that time for making visits (how to arrange them, what to do on them, what questions to ask, etc.). Also, we’ll give suggestions for dealing fruitfully with vocation directors. These visits are “come and see” only. You’re simply exploring options not setting yourself on a specific course. Words on a page can never substitute for interaction with living, breathing priests and consecrated people.

You may not be able to schedule a visit to a religious community or seminary to coincide with the last half of the Novena. Do your best. Where the opportunity arises for a visit or overnight, take it. But better to do it later in the Novena or after the conclusion if possible. By then you’ll have a clearer idea as to whether or not God is calling you to take further steps.

The 99 Day Novena concludes with a Decision Retreat. This would be distinct from any discernment retreats hosted by a diocese or religious community you might choose to attend. The Decision Retreat is a personal retreat you'll schedule with the help of your Advisor.

The Decision Retreat is a shortened version of St. Ignatius’ 30 day Spiritual Exercises. It features daily meditations from scripture, selections from the Ignatian Exercises and other materials to guide you in recognizing and responding to the movements of God. The retreat is silent. Other than a daily meeting with your Advisor (usually by phone), you'll refrain from all talking and all non-essential media. Silence is the necessary pre-condition for hearing God's voice.

How long? An eight day retreat is preferable, but there is also a four day version. Discuss with your Advisor which is best for you.

What's a typical day like on retreat? The days usually involve four hourly meditations interspersed with times of rest and exercise. There are also aids to prayer and discernment in the Guide booklet you’ll use during their days of retreat.

When is the Decision Retreat? Plan for about a week or two after the expected end of the 99 Days. Discuss availability with your Advisor and compare schedules since they'll need to be available to meet with you daily during the retreat.

Where does this retreat happen? You'll be responsible for finding a location for your Decision Retreat and making arrangements. Your Advisor is prepared to help you with this as well. When making contact, tell them you're looking to schedule a personal retreat. The retreat house or center may ask whether you'll need a spiritual director provided (these houses are often connected with convents or monasteries). Just say “no thank you” if the question arises, since that will be your DA's role. Note: Trappist/Cistercian monasteries are especially well-suited for personal retreats if there are any near your location.

What does this decision process look like? Prior to the retreat, you'll complete a form called “Decision Retreat Preparation” which offers questions for personal reflection – not only about where you feel the Lord is leading, but also your honest reaction to that direction. You'll bring the form with you on retreat, but won't use it until roughly mid-way. By the end of the retreat, our expectation is not necessarily a “big” answer to the vocation question, but rather a clear sense from the Lord of where he's leading you as well as a solid next step. In the days following this retreat, you'll be invited to “live with” the conclusion you reach – not as a “final answer” vocation decision, but as the avenue most promising for exploration. Your Advisor will help you make necessary plans and connections.

Nuts and Bolts

Here’s a suggestion for how to approach each daily session,

Most will access the Novena on a phone or laptop. Make sure you go to a quiet, secluded place where you won’t be interrupted. If you use a phone, commit to ignore notifications (or simply turn them off) for the time period you require to complete the daily meditation and workbook exercises.

If you use a laptop, take a similar approach to notifications. Close all tabs and windows so that you only have the Novena open (for example, use a separate browser). Avoid checking email or messages right before or right after the daily Meditation and workbook activity.

If you decide to keep your journal on the computer - whether online or saved to the computer itself - be sure to back up your journal daily to the cloud or a separate drive. It’s important info and one crash can be a very costly loss.

Each day you’ll also need

• a Bible

• A pen/pencil and journal, if you prefer a hard copy of your thoughts and notes

• An Ebenezer – a stone of help

What’s an Ebenezer?

See 1 Samuel 7:7-12

Whenever God did something great for the Israelites, they wanted to remember it. It was customary to set up a memorial stone or a rock of remembrance for important times in their history. This Novena is an important time in your personal history; therefore you’ll also need an Ebenezer.

About my Ebenezer

You’ll need to find yourself a smooth stone and write your familiar name – the name everybody calls you – on it with an indelible marker (medium tip). Keep it in your pocket throughout the Novena. Don’t lose it! Whenever you put your hand in your pocket and feel the smooth stone, grasp it firmly and say this prayer: “Lord Jesus, not to my name, but to your name be the glory.” Your goal is, through your prayer, to wear the writing off your Ebenezer by the end of the Novena. You’ll need the Ebenezer for something that comes up at the end.

What if’s:

What if I usually don’t wear pants with pockets?

Choose a smaller Ebenezer and tape it to the back of your cell phone so that it rests against the palm of your hand whenever you talk on the phone. Say the prayer silently whenever you make a call.

What if I lose my Ebenezer? You’ll need to get another one and pray doubly hard to wear the writing off it in time for the end of the Novena!

An Important Temporary Change in a Special Relationship

Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.

Harry: When did I say that?

Sally: On the ride to New York.

Harry: No, no, no, I never said that. ...Yes, that's right, they can’t be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can. ...This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. ...That doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say “No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

- When Harry Met Sally, Castle Rock Entertainment, 1989

As you embark on this discernment Novena, it may be the case that you have a close friend or confidant of the opposite sex. You may be in the habit of sharing a lot of personal information with her or him. If you’re like many young people in this kind of relationship, you imagine it’s nearly impossible this could ever be anything else. When other friends make comments you both quickly assure them, “Oh, we’re just friends.”

Question that assurance.

We should be very aware of our own attractions - and to the ways they can distract us during discernment. As you begin this Novena, it is possible that you have one or several close friends of the opposite sex. These relationships will need to change for a time.

For faithful Catholics who live with same-sex attraction, the relationship calling for greater distance may not be so clear. The daily effort to live a single, chaste way of life, though, demands self-awareness and courage nonetheless.

How does one identify this “just friends” person? Probably, it’s the closest relationship that sparks the strongest protest: “Oh, lighten up! We have absolutely no attraction for each other.” This calls for more sober self-assessment. In the case of heterosexuals, when speaking of their guy-girl relationships of similar age, the best one can say about a friend of the opposite sex is: “I am not aware of any attraction between us at this time.” It’s an important difference. Attractions, affections and the earliest stages of a new romantic relationship are undetectable to those who are experiencing them. Have you ever noticed that other friends often know that two people are falling in love before they do? Once the couple becomes aware of the change in the relationship, it’s too late. Their hearts are already linked.

This calls for brutal honesty. There’s a trap one falls into when, by carelessly exposing one’s heart and falling in love, one is able to fall ‘out’ of a more challenging look at a celibate vocation. Once the couple is in love, they can simply excuse themselves saying, “We didn’t know this was happening. It must be God’s will.” To which God says, “More tortuous than all else is the human heart, who can understand its ways?” (Jer. 17:9)

It is wise therefore to sit down with anybody among your close friends who has the potential to become a future love-interest. Explain to them that during this discernment process, you’ll be less “available” to them. “I need to learn how to lean more on God, so for a time I’m leaning less on friends. I hope you understand.” Of course they won’t like the idea, but if they are true friends, they should think it’s important to support you in this process. How should you change the relationship? A few suggestions: limit the length (recommended: 10 minutes max), the depth and the frequency of conversations (recommended: no more than three times a week). Keep the subjects of your conversations on things that are more “surface.” Avoid deep sharings that reveal the heart. Avoid talking about what you are feeling, or about what God is showing you through the discernment process, and by all means don’t talk about “our relationship” or “us.” If you are in the habit of praying together, it’s best to suspend that practice at least until your discernment time is over.

All of these ways of relating form bonds between potential romantic pairs that are not recognized until it’s too late. Sure there are exceptions – young men and women who are close friends but who have no romantic leanings. Still, they are rare. Far more will claim to have such relationships but in fact are secretly hoping that it will become something more. Are you willing to jeopardize your vocation and risk missing out on God’s perfect plan?

If we acknowledge our weakness and our blindness in matters of the heart it will greatly assist us in the discernment process. If we ignore it, we are wasting time and putting on an empty show for God.

The Most Important Friend to Bring Along

Are you ready to begin? Then as we set out on this journey we should turn to the Mother of Jesus and our Mother, Mary. She above all knows what it is to be marked with the image – the icon, the character – of Jesus. Only she could make the bold claim that “My being proclaims the greatness of the Lord” (Lk 1: 46). In the order of nature, Jesus human features reflected hers. In the order of grace, her divinized character reflects his.

At the foot of the cross Mary shared the painful passion of her son and our Lord in a way that only a mother could. His dying was her dying. His rising to life was her resurrection as well. It is no coincidence that from the very beginnings of the Church, Mary has appeared with Jesus in most iconography.

Further, she knows what it is to be pierced in a way that is both permanent and painful. “And you yourself a sword will pierce,” (Lk. 2:35) was the prophecy spoken to our Lady on the day she brought the infant Jesus to the temple. Therefore, we ask Mary to accompany us with her prayers. May she who brought forth Christ for the world bring forth, through her prayers, Christ in you. May she present him to the world through your unique calling; your particular cooperation with the divine plan.

Prayer of Consecration to Mary.

Mary, please intercede for me during this Discernment Novena.

You heard the voice of the angel and trusted in the plan of God,

Teach me to listen and to trust.

You pondered in your heart the mystery of God’s unfolding will.

Teach me to silently reflect and discern.

You yielded to the power and grace of the Holy Spirit; gratefully receiving His gifts

Teach me to receive the gifts of the Spirit in my life.

You courageously followed the path marked down for you by God – even to the foot of the cross.

Teach me to be courageous in bearing with Jesus my own cross.

Mary my mother, I consecrate myself to you for the duration of this period of discernment.

Please pray for me that when the time is right, I will respond to God’s invitation in the same words as you:

“I am the servant of the Lord. Let it be done to me as you say.”

Amen.