What we do in life echoes in eternity.
Maximus, Gladiator
“Ad sum.” On the day of his ordination, in the old Latin liturgy, a candidate for holy orders made this response when his name was called. It means, “Present.” Yet the Latin words have a punch that the English lacks. The Latin means, in effect, “I am fully, freely present to this moment and to this vocation.” The candidate for orders isn’t merely stating a physical fact. He isn’t “present” in the cathedral like the pews, the pillars or the stained glass windows. He is a self-aware, free person promising fidelity to the Church and making a complete self-gift to Jesus Christ. The same is true of the consecrated woman or man. When the name is called, and the response is given, there is a world of meaning behind the simple response, “Here I am.”
We come to the end of the 99 days. As you look back on the ground you’ve covered, it may seem that we have taken a roundabout path in reaching our goal. We spent so long on self-knowledge and relationships before we finally got to discernment and vocation. Was it time well spent?
I pray that you have come to understand, in an initial way, that years of preparation, personal development, and faithful daily prayer are necessary to lay the groundwork for the words “Ad sum” or “Here I am” or “I do.” If you are to make a full and free commitment to a life-state vocation, it is necessary that your promises are made with a reasonable amount of self-knowledge and a good balance in your relationships that protects your “yes.” That has been our goal in this Novena. The Allegory of the Table is only a tool, and the Blueprint of the Temple is a guide. Used properly they can help you prepare for the courageous decision to offer your treasure at the feet of the Lord – not as a single dramatic gesture, but as a consistent way of life.
This, I believe, is far more important than a detailed explanation of the differences between a Capuchin and a Carmelite. If you choose to go that route, you can make your own inquiries, and the various diocesan representatives or religious congregations can explain their own ways far better than I.
CONCLUSION
“In the year King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a high and lofty throne, with the train of his garment filling the temple. Seraphim were stationed above; each of them had six wings: with two they veiled their faces, with two they veiled their feet, and with two they hovered aloft.
‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts!’ they cried one to the other. ‘All the earth is filled with his glory!’ At the sound of that cry, the frame of the door shook and the house was filled with smoke.
Then I said, ‘Woe is me, I am doomed! For I am a man of unclean lips living among a people of unclean lips yet my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!’ Then one of the seraphim flew to me, holding an ember which he had taken with tongs from the altar.
He touched my mouth with it. ‘See,’ he said, ‘now that this has touched your lips, your wickedness is removed, your sin is purged.’
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?’ ‘Here I am,’ I said, ‘send me!’
Isaiah 6:1-8
“Here I am.” These words, spoken at a dramatic moment of vocation in the scriptures, help us bring our Novena journey to a conclusion. Isaiah is in the temple praying. As a priest, he is going about his business, doing what he’s supposed to, not looking for lightening bolts. God appears as King reigning from the throne above the Ark of the Covenant and summons Isaiah to be a prophet to Israel.
Isaiah’s call brings together many elements of this Novena. Present in the scene are the temple, the altar and the holy of holies. In prayer before the veil, the prophet receives his call. The glory of the Lord fills the temple, an image of the infilling power of God’s call and the total consecration it secures for his faithful. God speaks, and the prophet responds, “Here I am…send me!”
God may call you to celibacy, but he may also call you to marriage. Both can lead you to holiness. My intention has been to clarify the unique call that is a vowed, celibate way of following Jesus. Whether it is your call, I cannot say. But I can say that every celibate vocation begins with a heart that is willing; that is ready to say, “Here I am…send me!”
This leads us to one final dimension of vocation made visible in the life of our blessed Mother. At the angel Gabriel’s invitation, Mary gives consent and with her single “yes,” she clothes the word of God in flesh. The child born to Mary and Joseph is fully divine and fully human – resembling, in physical attributes, his mother. From Mary, Jesus received his human features in their entirety.
Our vocation, too, is a “yes” which clothes the divine word – our particular calling – with living flesh. In my own case, the clothing-in-flesh is the life I live out in response to God’s call. As with Mary, it resembles in most external features my own gifts, strengths and attributes. Yet this vocation lived out in daily fidelity to binding promises is something of uniquely divine origin.
To go the distance, our “yes” must be spoken at every stage of the journey. Every morning we awaken in the vocation we finally choose, we must beg for the grace of fidelity and perseverance. To commit ourselves for life to a path set forth by God is to make an act of faith, not in our faithfulness, but in God’s.
We began this Novena with a question: “Who am I?” We end with the same question; imbued with a deeper meaning and awareness. God has a call for you; a plan for your life. Even if it remains obscure, there is a divine summons that awaits you and will lead you to the fullness of life. This should prompt a sense of wonder expressed in the question, “Who am I?”
In many of the calling narratives of scripture, the one who realizes the magnitude of God’s gift asks, “Who am I that I should receive this from the Lord?” King David (2 Sm 7:18), Elizabeth (Lk 1:43), John the Baptist (Mt. 3:14) and Peter (Lk. 5:8). They all realize in some way the great honor of our Lord’s action in their lives. In recognizing the privilege of God’s call, we come a long way from the confused “Who am I?” of our misplaced Sense of Self. Far, too, from the “why me?” pity-party that often characterizes the initial shock of a divine call. We step forward to answer the summons grateful, faith-filled and confident in God’s plan. What glories await? Only God knows.
What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him. - 1 Corinthians 2:9
Novena Prayer
CONCLUDING RENEWAL OF CONSECRATION TO MARY
Mary, please continue to intercede for me as I conclude this Discernment Novena.
You heard the voice of the angel and trusted in the plan of God,
Teach me to listen and to trust.
You pondered in your heart the mystery of God’s unfolding will.
Teach me to silently reflect and discern.
You yielded to the power and grace of the Holy Spirit; gratefully receiving His gifts
Teach me to receive the gifts of the Spirit in my life.
You courageously followed the path marked down for you by God – even
to the foot of the cross.
Teach me to be courageous in bearing with Jesus my own cross.
Mary my mother, I have consecrated myself to you for the duration of this period of discernment.
Please continue to pray for me so that when the time is right, I will respond to God’s invitation in the same words as you:
“I am the servant of the Lord. Let it be done to me as you say.”
Amen.
(in your own words, ask for Mary to obtain for you the grace of a vocation).
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
THIS IS MY HOUR
1. My Hour: Three Movements
All that we have described over the past days about the Spiritual Life can be applied to any Christian regardless of her or his vocation. We are all called to Total Interior Conversion, but our progress depends on how well we understand the place we are in. We should be aware of three movements in the Spiritual Life. Two are required of all and one is voluntary. Regarding the first two, though they overlap, the first gradually yields to the second. Below we describe these movements. In the process, the choice to pursue a celibate vocation in imitation of Christ becomes clearer and makes me ready to enter my Time of Election.
FIRST MOVEMENT: Taking Hold
The first movement in the Spiritual Life is Taking Hold. The initiative begins with God, but in the early going he invites my cooperation. This action and response can be heard in St. Paul’s famous words, “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” Phil. 3:12b NIV
What do I “Take Hold” of? Life. Though life is a fact (I am alive), it also requires me to act. This runs through every aspect of my existence as a human person. So it’s not just about spiritual life. In addition to my faith, Taking Hold refers to my bodily strengths and gifts, my intellectual growth, my creativity, my character, my personal well-being, my finances, and much more. It is the process of taking an active, responsible role in claiming my own life and striving for maturity in every part of who I am.
Have I taken hold? How can I know? While Taking Hold is a process, there are certain signs that indicate I’ve reached a healthy maturity. Consider these following questions:
Do I have a basic vision for my life – what I’d like to do and be?
Do I feel comfortable spending time alone developing my own talents and enjoying my own pursuits?
Have I accomplished anything that took training, hard work, creativity and commitment?
Am I excited about what the future holds, eager to pursue a career, looking forward to dating, wanting to develop my other interests and abilities?
Do I feel, on the whole, like a player rather than a spectator in the arena of life?
I pause here to write my thoughts in my journal…
If I feel, instead, that I have not yet taken hold, I can consider these questions.
Do I just roll along with whatever is expected of me – doing what’s next, but not really taking initiative?
Do I expect others to be my source of happiness and fulfillment? Am I waiting for a savior, whether divine or human?
Am I disengaged from most of the things in my life – finding everything dull, unsatisfying and even tiresome?
Do I feel, on the whole, like a spectator rather than a player in the arena of life?
Again I pause to write my thoughts in my journal…
A Surprising Insight: We might assume that someone who has not taken hold is a prime candidate for a priestly or religious vocation, while the one who has taken hold should pursue her or his dreams. In fact, the one who has not taken hold of life is not yet a good candidate for any life state vocation. It is rather the one who is equipped and eager to pursue a promising future who is in the best position. How can this be? Before we come to an answer, we’ll need to understand the second movement of the Spiritual Life.
SECOND MOVEMENT: Letting Go
The second movement is Letting Go. Having taken hold of my life – my youth and strength, my gifts and abilities, my plans and dreams – I dedicate myself to pursuing them by making a gift of myself in my chosen vocation. But even as my life is getting started, I am also learning that one day it will come to an end. Beginning with the Night of Sense, I am being taught the art of Letting Go. This is the movement that defines the second half of my spiritual life and prepares me for the final act: Letting Go of life itself at the moment of death. In the process I am Letting Go of my physical strengths and abilities as I grow older and my independence as I share life with my spouse. I let go of my children as they leave the home, my prized plans and hoped-for accomplishments as unexpected events move them beyond my reach and my loved ones as they go before me. In the spiritual life, as we have learned, I am even Letting Go of the God I know, so that I can know God as he truly is; as I will know him in eternity. Letting go is very hard to do, but if I refuse to let it happen, I find a harder road. Life itself makes the decision if I cannot or will not do it myself. Sooner or later everything is taken from me.
Am I prepared to Let Go?
In modern culture we live in a sort of collective avoidance of Letting Go. In fact, much of the advertising we see is about “Having it All” and “Staying Forever Young.” In the process we avoid the lessons that can equip us to peacefully and even joyfully embrace the process of Letting Go. Am I in denial? I ask myself these questions.
Do I have a very hard time accepting necessary changes in relationships – like a close friend who moves away, or a brother or sister who gets married and doesn’t come home for holidays as much?
Do I spend a lot of time on fitness and a lot of money on my appearance? Do I freak out over gray hairs and wrinkles?
Do I experience a lot of anxiety about my future and fear that I will miss out on the good things in life?
Do I avoid the subject of death because it’s too depressing?
Once more I write my thoughts in my journal…
A Difference Between Men and Women
In the Spiritual Life, both movements are difficult, but men and women struggle differently. Men have a harder time Taking Hold. Passivity is a pitfall that men must always fight against. If they don’t, many simply stumble into their vocation looking for someone else to take care of them. Women, on the other hand, often have a hard time Letting Go. Women are usually more aware that their goals are dependent on many factors not completely under their control. Learning to trust in God and entrust themselves to others, for many women, is a life-long journey. Learning to take responsibility, for many men, is similarly difficult.
“But It Seems so Hopeless!”
The picture of the Spiritual Life can appear grim unless I look at it with eyes of faith. I am not made for this world. I have a heavenly destiny and everything I let go of here and now opens the way for God’s in-filling of grace and eternal life. If I understand this – even a little bit – I am ready to understand the third movement of the Spiritual Life – one that is only possible because of Jesus Christ.
THIRD MOVEMENT: Lay It Down
Jesus reveals a third movement in the Spiritual Life in imitation of his own saving mission.
For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life, that I may take it again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again; this charge I have received from my Father.
John 10:17-18
Because of the grace of baptism we also have the power, given by God, to lay down our lives in and for Christ. While only Jesus has the power to take his life back up again (which he did when he rose from the dead), he gives some the ability to lay down our lives so that he can give us a taste of the life to come. By doing so he makes women and men signs of heaven and renews his Church in every age by the sacrifices we offer. “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful ones” (Ps. 116:15).
The Noble Offering
We live in a consumer culture. As we learned in the analogy of the Mall and the Temple, most of us “shop” like customers for happiness and choose relationships and even our vocational path according to what is pleasing. This Novena was written to explain that there is another way. Rather than asking “What is pleasing to me?” I ask, “What is pleasing to God?” and make the noble offering of my life to Jesus Christ in a celibate vocation. In this way I Take Hold of my Life only to Lay It Down before Christ and say, “Here I am…to do your will is my delight” (Ps. 40:8-9). Will I make this noble offering? If so, I am ready to enter my Time of Election.
In my journal I write my own thoughts. Am I prepared to make a noble offering to Jesus Christ?
Ordinarily I make my Time of Election in the closing Decision Retreat. It should be at least four days but eight days is best (discuss with your Discernment Advisor what’s best for you, given your work demands, etc.). A format for making my Decision Retreat is provided. When I go on retreat, I print out the materials and bring them along (don’t count on a web connection). I should be in contact with my Discernment Advisor who will help prepare me for this time of decision-making.
A QUOTE TO NOTE
2. Every End is a Beginning
Karl Rahner on Final VowsAll ways – the streets of labor for the Kingdom of God, the quiet paths of holy contemplation, the stations of the cross – all lead towards death, all lead to God. What is being vowed today is like a compass for these ways and for the vows: one can really walk along them until they end in the infinity and freedom of God. May God be with you on these ways. He is a true God. He will not tempt you beyond that which you can bear. He triumphs in your weakness; and on the day of Jesus Christ He will consummate the work that he has begun in you today. Amen. [1]
Compose a Prayer
Having completed my 99 Day Novena and in preparation for making my Time of Election, I write a prayer to God offering him my life. I try to be as honest as possible, but I also ask for the grace to be courageous.
PROCEED TO FINAL CONSECRATION BELOW
The Final Consecration requires a trip to a cemetery, so have the rite with you (on your phone or printed) and follow the directions provided.
FINAL CONSECRATION
This consecration is entirely different from the previous rites. You’ll be going to a cemetery and then to a chapel. The whole rite will take about an hour and a half, depending on travel time. You’ll spend 30 minutes at the cemetery and another 30 minutes in meditation at the chapel. You may take more time at either place, as the Spirit moves you, but no less time. You must go directly from the cemetery to the chapel without making any side trips or stopping anywhere along the way.
You’ll need: your Ebenezer, a copy of this rite (on your phone or printed), and your journal (no oil or candles are necessary).
KOKKOS: THE SEVENTH CONSECRATION RITE
When you arrive at the cemetery, offer this prayer:
Father, I come to this place to offer you the stone on which was inscribed my name. For the days of this novena I have carried it with me and turned it over many times in my hand. I have prayed away my name from the surface of this stone. I have prayed for strength, for protection, for access, for boundaries and for breakthroughs. I have sought your transforming grace and have ardently asked to know your will for my life.
All this you have blessed, Father, in guiding me and speaking to me. I pray for the grace to rightly discern your voice and to hear, in your own time, the call and the direction you would have me choose for my life.
This I ask through Christ our Lord,
Amen.
As the prayer indicates, my objective in this visit is to leave my Ebenezer in the cemetery so that I cannot retrieve it. The manner of doing this is entirely up to me.
Before I do so, I’ll read the final consecration prayer below – out loud if possible.
FINAL CONSECRATION PRAYER
Jesus, I consecrate this stone to you one last time and ascribe to it the seventh name: Kokkos. With the surrender of this stone I surrender my self, Jesus. Into your hands I commend all that I have and all that I am. Do with me as you will, for I am now completely yours.
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Now, I carry out my chosen way of leaving the Ebenezer in the cemetery.
Some suggestions for the manner of leaving my Ebenezer:
Throw it in a pond or lake on the grounds of the cemetery.
Don’t bury it – you don’t want to be able to go back and find it later. And you might run afoul of the groundskeeper(!)
Find a secluded part of the cemetery. Close your eyes, turn around slowly for the time it takes you to say the first half of a Hail Mary, stop and with your eyes still closed throw the Ebenezer over your shoulder as hard as you can. Keeping your eyes closed, resume turning until you’ve prayed the second part of the Hail Mary. When you open your eyes, walk away in the direction you are facing. If by some chance you come across your Ebenezer, repeat the procedure.
Once I have done this in a way that I cannot come back later and get the stone,
I find a quiet place – a bench or a grassy area – sit down and read the following poem and meditate on it.
A Garden of Names
Names in graveyard garden grow,
Etched on stones in fertile row,
Waiting under winter’s night
‘Til light their rising glory show.
Histories abide beneath;
Tales untold hide underneath.
We who live cannot suppose
What grows below this grassy heath.
Markers here but signify
Legacies that never die.
Who deserves a title great?
I wait and wonder: Will I?
Plant my own here in the earth.
Mustard seed waits second birth.
Jesus calls, my name is heard:
What word he speaks of my true worth?
My meditation need not be long. I try to understand something of what this poem is saying. If I don’t get it, that’s okay, but anyway, I try. Does it apply to me or to my dreams at all? I ask the Lord to shed light on my reflections?
Part 2: Proceed to the Chapel
When a half hour has passed at the cemetery I depart for the chapel (I can stay longer if I like, but I don’t cut short my time at the chapel).
Upon arrival at the chapel, read and reflect on this scripture passage:
Jesus said: ‘Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there also will my servant be. The Father will honor whoever serves me.’ John 12:24 - 26
I write my responses to the questions below in my journal.
How can this passage be applied to what I just did in the cemetery?
What do I think was the meaning of this Ebenezer that I wrote my name on, carried with me for almost 100 days, anointed with oil, renamed seven times and then left behind, never to be seen again, in the cemetery only moments ago?
If you still don’t know, consider the following two statements:
Lord Jesus, I will make a name for myself, and I’ll accomplish great things, and all this will be for your glory.
Lord Jesus, I give you my name, my reputation, my accomplishments, my fame, my legacy – my whole past and my whole future in this very moment. Do with it what you choose. If I should be unknown in this life, so be it. If I should be forgotten when I pass from this life, so be it. I ask only, Lord Jesus, that you remember me, and speak my name to the Father in heaven.
What is the difference between these two statements? Which do I imagine is more pleasing to God? Why?
Speak to Jesus honestly and openly about what you are thinking. Relax and be yourself.
The Lord Jesus says, “Give me your name, and I will give you mine.”
For the remainder of my time, I quiet my soul and repeat the following phrase. I need not say it continually, but repeat it whenever my mind wanders.
“How then, Jesus, would you have me live?”
Write any thoughts
In my journal, I write my thoughts. I should not be expecting a “voice from heaven,” but should simply be open. I need not experience anything. Remember, we’re on His timeline, not ours.
End with a Hail Mary…
WHAT NEXT?
Having completed the meditations of my 99 Day Novena and in preparation for making my Time of Election during my Decision Retreat, I write a prayer to God offering him my life. I try to be as honest as possible, but I also ask for the grace to be courageous.
Making a Decision Retreat
Your Discernment Advisor should have already spoken to you about this important final step that concludes the 99 Day Novena. If you need a reminder about this retreat, review the explanation that was provided in the “Get Started” page by scrolling down to the “Decision Retreat” heading.
If this hasn't come up already or if you’re behind on making arrangements, ask your Advisor for help in finding a retreat location for your Decision Retreat. As is frequently stated in the Novena, our expectation is not necessarily a “big” answer to the vocation question, but rather a clear sense from the Lord of a solid next step. For your part, if you know about congregations, convents or monasteries that offer silent retreats please do your own homework to gather all the necessary information. You may also consider asking a priest you know if there’s a rectory in the diocese that’s quiet enough to make a personal silent retreat. Not ideal, but if you find most retreat houses booked with such late notice, this is another option to explore.
If you've never made reservations for a personal retreat before, you can ask your Advisor how it's done. Not all communities offer such retreats, but many do or can refer you to places that do. The retreat house or center may ask whether you will require a spiritual director provided by the community. Since your Discernment Advisor is your guide in this final stage as well, tell them “no thank you” if the question arises. Here's a good tip. Over the years, I’ve found Trappist/Cistercian monasteries to be especially well suited if there are any near your location.
It is preferable for you to make an 8 day retreat, but if that's not possible due to work or other commitments, you may have to choose the four day option (Thursday evening 5 pm start, Friday and Saturday all day and then end Sunday around dinnertime).
Prior to the retreat, set aside time to prayerfully fill out a form called the Decision Preparation (DP) worksheet which offers questions for personal reflection – not only about where you feel the Lord is leading you, but also to identify your honest reactions to that direction. Bring this document with you on your retreat, but once the retreat begins, you’re encouraged to set it aside until they enter the time of Election, usually on the 3rd of the 4 day retreat and on the 5th of the 8 day.
The flow of the retreat is modeled on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius and culminates with meditations on the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus. Formats for both kinds of retreat (the 4 day and the 8 day) are provided at the proper time by your Advisor. Each day of the retreat you’ll meet with him or her for approximately an hour at a time that’s mutually convenient. This meeting can be (and often has to be) remote, whether by phone or video call. Guidelines for what to discuss are also provided.
Following this retreat, you'll be invited to “live with” the conclusion you’ve reached – not as a “final answer” vocation decision, but as the avenue most promising for exploration.
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - Gladiator, Universal Pictures, 2000
[1] Karl Rahner, SJ, Meditations on the Sacraments, Final Vows – The Eternal Yes. Crossroad, 1974